i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
