Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
