There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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