words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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