im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
