yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
