fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
