in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
