I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
