Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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