Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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