just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
