My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
