You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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