I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
