Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
