I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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