Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
