There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
