I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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