I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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