I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
