You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
