i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
