Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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