Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
