Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
