He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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