Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
