You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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