She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
