my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
