if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
