im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
