apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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