So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
