you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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