i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
