Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
