Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
