he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
