dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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