You made me cry and you don't even care
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
