As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize