Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
