that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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