you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
