my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
