I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Randomize
