my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So many bounce houses so little time
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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