why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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