youre lurking in front of me
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
