The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
