her vagine was all disorganized.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
