But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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