Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
