don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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